Anyone who has ever spent any substantial time in Japan will have experienced the dreaded squat toilet. I have heard people praise the humble squat because they seem to reduce instances of haemorrhoids. Alas, I haven’t any haemorrhoids to relieve, so I cannot look too kindly upon these historical bastions of Japanese toilet culture. However, my current place of work, being in an old building, has absolutely no western-style toilets on my floor. Yes, I could walk several minutes to another toilet on another floor, but these toilets are for the students and it’s a bit embarrassing to make tinkle noises in the hearing of someone you will have to teach in an hour.
Therefore, the squat and I have become well-acquainted with each other lately and I have thought to myself that I would have really appreciated someone telling me some tricks on how to use them properly.
Usually, the casual traveller in Japan will have a choice of toilet types. Most tourist areas will have western-style toilets with toilet seats. If you cannot find one or if they are all full, a good tip is to look for a disabled-friendly bathroom. (Usually has a wheelchair-icon sticker) These toilets are all western style.
Women in particular hate squats because we can’t aim and tend to mess, so many women tourists and foreigners living in Japan avoid them. However, sometimes you are stuck using a squat toilet and you can’t wait. So, here is some advice on the subtle and unappreciated art form of the lowly squat.
How to Arrange Your Clothing
If you’re wearing pants (trousers for our UK/Australian friends)
Undo them and push down both your pants and underwear together to a bit below mid-thigh. Hook your thumbs under the waist material so that your fingers are free, but your pants/underwear won’t fall. (Trust me when I say the floors of squat toilets are exceedingly foul 99% of the time.) Once you have a secure grip with your thumbs only, using your fingers, reach and grab the material of your pants at the knee or just below. Pull up your pant legs until the hem of the pants is at least 2 inches (10 cm) away from the ground. Why is this necessary? You will splatter and shoes are easier to wipe off than pants.
If you’re wearing a skirt:
Pull the material around your waist and then forward, gathering all loose material near your stomach. You must make sure the back of your skirt is not loose enough to dip in the water or…heaven forbid…be tinkled on.
Positioning Your Feet and Squatting:
Once your skirt is safely in front of you or your hem is nice and high, now you have to know where to place your feet. Considering the North-South axis, your feet should be a bit more North than South to allow room for your behind to be safely within the confines of the squat. A common mistake is to stand with your feet quite close to the porcelain of the squat. You should actually stand with your feet a bit further away from the sides of the bowl. This is again to avoid splattering on yourself (shoes this time since your hem should already be safely hiked), and also to allow for a deeper squat position. Keeping your bum closer to the toilet = less mess. Once your legs are positioned at a safer distance, squat down as low as you can without touching the cold, cold toilet with your delicate behind. You should make sure you are well centered above the bowl and not too far front/back/left or right. Once fully squatted, you should feel frog-like with your legs open, completely bent at the knee. The material of your pants/skirt should now be bunched tightly and should not fall down if you let go. Do what you like with your arms, I tend to rest them on my knees, but if you feel a bit unsteady, you can keep a hand on the wall for balance.
Number 1 – A Woman’s Guide
Men have urinals, so this part is mainly for our female readers.
We western females are used to just letting all our stream go violently in a rush of watery satisfaction. However, the squat is an Asian toilet. It comes from the same continent as foot binding and 12-layer kimonos. Therefore, you must exercise restraint when letting loose. You should strive for a moderate flow speed, neither too fast nor too slow. Try peeing as you would imagine the Queen of England would pee if she had to do so in public (i.e. in as stately and dignified a manner as possible).
A point to keep in mind:
There’s a bit of water in the squat, so if you are aiming correctly, you should hear the happy sound of water falling into water. If you don’t hear that, and/or the sound is muted, you are probably peeing on the floor. Wiggle your bum a bit and try again until you get your aim right. Leaning forward a bit can help you pee straight down. The challenge is to avoid “freedom pee”. This is an obnoxious urine type that refuses to behave in a traditional manner following the laws of gravity. Making a dash down your butt cheek, freedom pee then leaps to the floor with reckless independence.
The Big One – Number 2:
For both men and women, number 2 on a squat is a very chancy thing. If you are the kind of person who eats healthily and has a high fibre diet, then perhaps your squat experience will always be a pleasant one.
However, if you’ve ever had the…ahem…green apple splatters, or perchance your chocolate is a bit more like the Aero brand of chocolate bar (i.e. with bubbles); you, my friend, will need to take care when using a squat.
As explained above lift your hem (watch your skirt), place your feet at a safe distance, and squat as low as possible. Next get as close as you can to the faucet/flush of the toilet. Don’t worry if your clothes touch it, they are usually not too dirty and trust me, it’s better than the alternative. Again, don’t just let her rip, but try for a more moderate speed.
A point to keep in mind:
If you feel a Niagara Falls-like flow brewing below, then a good trick is to turn and face in the opposite direction. The squat is raised a bit at the front near the flush, and that can act as a barrier to…well you get the idea.
As always, be kind and tidy up in case of mess.
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